Book of Mormon Notes– How deep can you dig?

2010, September 22

“Deseret News’ Series on Pornography; What’s Missing?” by grego

Deseret News’ Series on Pornography; What’s Missing?

grego
(c) 2010

Deseret News is doing a series on pornography at http://www.mormontimes.com (such as this: http://www.mormontimes.com/article/17278/Pornography-grips-you-with-claws?s_cid=queue_title&utm_source=queue_title ). Unfortunately, most of the content is lots and lots of stories, mostly from and about women whose husbands have been addicted to pornography, and all the negative feelings these innocent women experience. No doubt this content appeals to LDS/ Mormon women.

It seems like there’s been a talk on pornography every General Conference for a while now. It’s all the same–talk *about* it.

Yes, talking about it can help. I agree with that.

I just wish, it would be talked about more, and in different ways.

I agree that pornography is not good, and all that.

That means for anyone, not just men. I wonder why pornography and women aren’t talked about as much anymore, but pornography and men are talked more and more. Interesting, because statistics show, women are gaining fast on the men. (However, I don’t believe that holds for many LDS/ Mormon women, especially the married ones.)

Here’s a typical scenario many men I know have experienced:
–Wife might start out having negative associations/ stigma with men, and maybe sex (even for procreating).
–Wife watches soap operas. Maybe even reads soft porn (everything from romance novels to New York Times Bestsellers). Her life fills with scripts of unfaithfulness, manipulation, sex, yelling and blaming, unsuccessful communication, silent revenge, domestic violence, and general hate towards men in general.
–Wife starts to imagine and live what she watches and reads, and projects “all that” onto her husband.
–Wife and other women (members included, perhaps especially!) get together and talk. It’s mostly about husbands, and it’s mostly negative. This fans the embers (but not of love, eh). Wife’s husband picks up everything negative from every other husband, whether real or not (wife projects all those husbands’ faults onto her husband).
–Wife is much more critical of husband and everything he does, in the relationship and out. Or, she becomes withdrawn and silent; husband’s attempts at communication are ignored or rejected. Sexual advances are ignored or rejected.
–Wife is now an official b… witch.
–Wife is less interested in relationship, children, living according to the gospel. Wife loses the sparkle in her eye.
–Husband doesn’t like to be around wife much, doesn’t feel like investing much in the relationship. Husband typically sees other women, wonders how wonderful it might be to be married to them instead.
–and so on.
–However, everyone continues to compliment husband on wife, especially at church: “She is so cute”, “You are so lucky”, “What a wonderful gal!”, etc. Everybody has been fooled; no one knows the hidden life she is living.

What’s much worse is when PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome)/ birth control pill effects/ negative chemical effects from condoms (symptom: wife blows up two days after sex) is thrown into the above mix.

By the way, how come no one has spoken on PMS in General Conference? Go ahead, search the internet, talk to husbands whose wives have PMS and get a feel for how it destroys the relationship and the family. Note that about 80% of American women will have PMS at some time during their life. (What, PMS is driven by hormones, it’s not the woman’s fault? Oh, ok; and pornography…??) Note this is not to excuse pornography for anyone, but to perhaps cast light on other things…

Guys, if this or something similar is your experience, I feel for you. Here are some things I hope will help (use or don’t use at your own risk, eh):
1. Learn to ignore half of what your wife says, and listen intently to the other half that’s worth listening to. Seriously, walk out when she starts going into her witch mode, don’t let what she says bother you. Keep yourself busy doing something good. The general strong rule: *Do not* retort. (If she’s trying to communicate well and good things, you might help by lovingly positively rewording her message. If she gets mad when you do that, don’t bother much with listening until she’s ready.)
2. Separate your responsibilities from your wife’s.
3. There is no such thing as retaliation, especially long-term and deep retalitation. *Don’t* retaliate, or even think about it. The gander should not look at the goose in the pot and think, “If she’s in there I’m going to go in there too.” That makes things worse for your family (who really needs you and your priesthood) and for you, personally.
4. Your life and your marriage and you are *your* responsibilities. Your wife will be accountable for all hers. You do what you can, so that one day, when you are called upon—by *anyone*—you will be blameless. Here is the golden rule: If your relationship fails, it will not fail because of you and what you. (Hint: however—whining, crying, begging, etc. usually don’t help, and often make things worse.)
5. Get what help you need. (The fact that you live with a witch should make you man enough for anyone. If not, find other help.) This can be exercise, writing or other positive mode of expression, talking to others, joining a support group, having sessions with a “normal” energy worker, etc.
6. Do what you can to get help for your wife. Learn how to persuade her without setting her off. Remember that confrontation is usually a pretty stupid way to communicate in this type of situation. Try alternative medicine, such as EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) for emotional and physical problems, Chinese medicine for physical problems, or something else. (Western medicine might cover up the symptoms, but about never solves the problem.) Search the internet and books for answers.

Good luck, and God bless!

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